Little Green Men
by Blizzaga Saga
Summary: Tingle will always remember how his true love was taken from him by the boy in green.


He had done so many good deeds over the years that he had become something of a celebrity, and he was the town's most sought-after bachelor. The green outfit and hat which might have looked ridiculous on others suited him, but sometimes it was tough being blessed with such handsome and perfect features; his many admirers were too reverent to approach the pedestal they placed him on, so he wasn't surprised that no one watched him, Termina's protector.

Tingle floated above Clock Town, thinking manly thoughts and doing manly things. Suspended by the red balloon attached to his backpack, he looked down at his domain and flexed where everyone could see him. In his skintight green suit, his muscles and fat bulged in beautiful harmony. His overweight frame sagged in fatigue, but he didn't stop, for singing in an all-green outfit while hanging from a red balloon and flexing was the only way he knew how to attract fairies.

"Wow! Does it look bigger than usual to you?" he heard from below. Tingle graced the young woman with a charming smile and noticed that a crowd had gathered to gawk at him. Never one to disappoint his fans, he redoubled his efforts to reveal his muscles through the material covering his impressive chest, and the crowd responded appropriately.

"Yes! It does!"

"It's hard to believe it's become that big."

Tingle knew that people of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations enjoyed undressing him with their eyes and treating him like a piece of meat, so he understood why they referred to him as "it"; but he didn't understand why they claimed he was going to crash into the earth and destroy the town. Sure, he was unfathomably strong, but he was far too benevolent to consider such a thing!

His fans gradually dispersed, but his nightly ritual continued. It was only a matter of time before his immaculate voice and appearance attracted a fairy as he had always dreamed. Until then, he just had to keep dancing in the sky and ignore the fear of impending doom that had gripped the town.

But with an explosion of air, his balloon popped and he fell back to the land of lesser beings. After a flawless improvised landing, he came face to face with a dirty blonde child holding a slingshot. "Um…" it said in a rough voice, as though unused to speaking, and Tingle realized that it only wanted the pleasure of a conversation with him. Adorning his dashing grin once more, he set to putting the stranger at ease.

"Hello, I am Tingle, the great fairy of Termina! Oh, you are dressed as I am! Could you be a fairy like Tingle?"

"Sorry to bother you, but..." the boy began, tongue-tied at the marvelous sight before him, "...I'm looking for a fairy I used to travel with. The people here say you call yourself a fairy, so I was wondering if you know anything about her. Her name's Navi."

"Alas, you are correct. At the moment, I am a fairy in name only. But fear not! Before long one will recognize my worth and turn me into one."

"I...don't think that's how it works. Fairies don't come to people often, and they can't transform anyone."

Tingle eyed the child with amusement. So young, so naïve... Tingle wanted to take him seriously, but the kid's manner of dress was hilariously awkward: his oversized tunic extended below his belt to look like a skirt, and he didn't even wear bright red underwear over his green outfit as Tingle did. In short, there was no way this poor boy was ever going to attract a fairy.

"I have not seen her. I'm sure I can help you, though. What's your name? ...Link? I can tell from your outfit that you want to be just like me. There is no need to say it. I will help you attract your fairy."

His young eyes widened, shimmering with hope. "Really?"

"Of course! But first you must learn to embrace the spirit of the fairy."

"The spirit?"

"Yes. Fairies think and act differently from mortals. Their hearts and bodies are free from inhibition, free to dance and sing!" To demonstrate, he tucked his elbows against his sides and began gyrating wildly at the waist. His large thighs rubbed together, and he laughed without a care in the world. Link took a step back in trepidation. "It's okay, Link. Join me. Be free! Tingle, Tingle! Kooloo-Limpah!" he sang.

Hesitantly, Link tried to imitate the man's steps. He nearly fell over because of how unpracticed he was at rotating his hips, but with determination that made Tingle proud, he kept going. On into the night, they thrust their hips in various directions, much to the wonder of passersby who averted their eyes out of reverence and laughed. Eventually, the intense ritual took its toll on the little boy, who fell asleep in the middle of the field, but Tingle continued to dance, his belly heaving with each pelvic thrust. He lost himself in the motions, enjoying the sweat that made his clothes even tighter, but at length a ringing sound interrupted him.

A speck of light fell from the sky like a shooting star, landing in front of the entrance to the fairy fountain of North Clock Town. From there it slowed considerably, barely moving at all, and realizing with a thrill of delight what it was, Tingle rushed to collect the fallen creature.

"A fairy has finally come to Tingle!" he squealed, but the tiny ball of light with wings didn't start dancing in celebration as he did.

It twitched weakly. "So...close... I feel like I've been flying for forever. Could you take me to the fairy fountain to heal? I can't make it on my own."

"This is wonderful! Wait until I show Link!"

The ringing sound returned as the fairy's light changed from white to blue. "You know Link? Is he here?"

"Yes. He's sleeping nearby."

"Oh, Link... I'm so sorry for leaving."

"Leaving? Are you the one he calls Navi?"

"Yes! Please take me to him."

He laughed good-naturedly at the delirious fairy. "You are mistaken. I was clearly the better dancer. I'm the one you came to see, not him."

"What? Hey!" Her next words were muffled as he extracted an empty bottle from his backpack and scooped her up inside it.

"Beautiful," he muttered, bringing her to his face so he could examine her.

"What's beautiful?"

Tingle turned to see a groggy Link rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The fairy called his name loudly enough that Tingle heard it even through the glass, and he shoved the bottle into his pocket before the boy could see it.

"A fairy has finally blessed me!"

"Oh. That's...nice. You didn't go to sleep last night?"

"Don't be absurd. I'm too perfect to need sleep. Are you ready to continue the dance of joy?"

"Um..."

A ball of light flew out from under Link's hat and hovered by his ear. "Okay, I didn't say anything yesterday because I thought it was hilarious, but now it's just sad. Link, this guy doesn't know anything about fairies! Look at him! Ugh, you're so hopeless!"

"Hey, it's _my_ job to tell him that!" Tingle heard Navi say from inside the bottle. He shoved it deeper into his pocket.

"I know, Tatl," Link said to the new fairy sadly. "I know it was stupid to think that doing this would help. It's just...I want so badly to believe that I can make her come back. She left because I treated her as a guide instead of a friend. I didn't listen to her, and now I'm lost without her."

"Link! You stupid, wonderful boy! That's not why I left!"

"Who is this interloper?" Tingle demanded, referring to the new fairy. "This whole time you were dancing trying to get a fairy, and you already had one? You adulterous fiend!"

"Adulterous?" Link repeated clumsily, unfamiliar with the word. "I'm nine years old."

"That makes it all the more despicable. You are my student no more! You shame the sexy green clothes you're wearing!"

Link scratched his head and managed to look innocent, but Tingle was not convinced. "I should go now. Thanks for your...help."

Once Link and Tatl were out of sight, Tingle giggled and held the bottle before him once again. His already rosy cheeks ignited in a happy blush.

Navi was less delighted. "You fat manchild! Let me out of here! Take me to Link!"

"Forget about that Tingle wannabe. He doesn't care about you. He was running around with another fairy."

"Link is kind and doesn't talk a lot, so he has a history of being exploited. He's probably just helping her with something."

Tingle stroked his rugged goatee thoughtfully. "He can't be that kind if he drove you away from him."

"Don't talk bad about Link! He'd do anything for someone in need! He's very brave...and handsome," she finished quietly.

Tingle laughed. "That perverted boy has been a bad influence on you. How can you say that about a nine-year-old?"

"I've seen his future self, seven years from now. I was his information fairy. With all the dangerous stuff Link does, he needs someone smart around to help him. We're a team."

"Then why did you leave him?"

"I-I don't know. I just thought that he didn't need me anymore, and I didn't want to get in the way of him and Zelda. I can't believe he came all this way to find me. That's so sweet."

"Do not despair, noble fairy. I will protect you from him!"

"No, I have to leave! Link needs me, and I need him!"

"Nonsense. You are _my_ guardian fairy, and I need you if I am ever to be a fairy myself."

"Tingle, as a fairy, I can tell you with complete certainty that you'll never get a fairy, nor will you ever become one."

His smile fell. What if she was right? He couldn't handle the idea of never becoming a fairy, so free and elegant and magical. But when he looked at the lovely miniscule woman behind the pale blue glow, his mood picked up again. He winked in a way he was sure would seduce even an inanimate object.

"I may not become a fairy, but I can do the next best thing."

"And what's that?" she asked apprehensively.

"Make lots of fairy babies with you! I worry about the size difference, but we'll work something out. Love knows no bounds!"

Soon Tingle wore a smile again...and nothing else. As he made a show of removing his outfit, Navi slammed repeatedly against the inside of her prison, presumably out of eagerness to become one with him. When he uncorked the bottle, she flew away with new energy, screaming Link's name.

"Wait!" he cried, uncaring of the attention he drew by running naked after her. "The boy still has you under his spell!"

She didn't stop, and Tingle's heart broke as she left his world forever. It was painfully obvious that she loved him, but that evil child had ruined their chance to be happy together.

Link, who had pretended to praise him by imitating his outfit and then betrayed him, would pay. Tingle vowed to punish the freak who wore all green without a pair of red underwear to balance the outfit. And he got his revenge, for he and his descendants overcharged Link's reincarnations for maps from then on, demanding insane amounts of money for scant seconds of work.

And that is why the Triforce maps cost so damn much to translate in Wind Waker.


End file.
